It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

Recently I was forced to move to this wonderful town by my mother. At first I was apprehensive, but soon found my feet with my own kind, and set about hanging around on street corners in Eynesbury.

Imagine my horror when I wished to travel to the Westside of town, for the shoplifting opportunities offered by Tesco Express and One Stop, and found that the Chav Superhighway I had been told so much of before arriving here was still not fully finished! And there was I, hoping for fun and frolicks with the nearest be-tracksuited youth, under the light of the CCTV!

I fail, sir, to comprehend how a bridge that was installed three months ago, is still not accessible to those of us seeking alternative petty-crime perpetration spots. I trust your fine publication will investigate the matter post-haste!

Yours,

Chardonnay-Leigh, 14, Duck Lane

On plans for the new store, Tesco spokesman Phil Fawcett said, “The car park is a bit to organised, no award winner believe me!” He continued, “however, we shall need to expand both out and up to make this our new main store for St Neots and you never know – another award winning car park.”

When asked about their current Barford Road store and why a new larger location was needed, Fawcett commented that “the recent crime maps have forced our hand. Why would anyone want to visit the Eastside store except those living in Eynesbury? We are re-branding the store with three thick blue stripes, removing it’s extra status and all things worth any value. The space vacated will be filled with Value products and cheap alcohol.”

The company will then sell lots of nice branded products in the new Westside store, for all the lovely residents of the Eatons with out the stuff getting lifted by “Eynesbury’s dirty little paws”.

Wayne Chervis, 17, from Duck Lane commented, “Wot, removing all the leccy bits, how am I to support the loss of my EMA now?”

Eynesbury Manor resident Bertrice Malpracteece was not too shocked. “Well it had to come, I shall enjoy mixing with those Eaton types while shopping.”

Local town and district Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged. “Another blow to the residents of Eynesbury. This can not carry on, I shall go to the district planners  and protest at once!”

Councillor van der Whitevanman may be too late. Another secret HDC meeting may have already approved the plans.  Head of Planning Mr Puti Tupanrun had nothing to say on the matter, instead roaring off in a new Range Rover sport.

Residents of the Shakespeare Road area were said to be worried about the high through traffic the bridge, which terminates in the street, will bring. “At the moment,” said resident Roy Argus, 44, “if you wish to travel from the East to the West side, you must go via the wier. All the paths are under water at the moment, and as we know, grotty Eastside chavs are allergic to water.”

Indeed, with the pathways from the Pocket Park to the River Mill flooded at various times through the year, underage drinkers from the town’s oldest quarter must pass through the town centre to reach the more salubrious Eatons, where they are usually distracted by the delights of Carey’s Amusements and the new chicken shop on the High Street.

The new bridge, however, which is being funded through a mixture of tax revenue and a Lottery grant, will allow direct access all year from Barford Road, without having to leave a paved surface once. “It’s gonna be wicked,” slurred gurning Broadwalk teen Sonia Sonie, 15. “I don’t ever wanna walk through the back fields innit cos I get me kicks all muddy an ting. The bridge will let me get to Eaton Socon proper quick and then I can get on that mighty X5 to escape to Bedford – after setting fire to the bus stop.”

The Burerry-and-Kappa brigade are, however, not the only group who will benefit from the new bridge. “Sometimes,” said Drake Road woman Lydia Gains, 33, “I’m in Tesco Express and think, hey, I wish I could cycle over to big Tesco and come back looking all smug with twelve or so bags on my handlebars. Now I’ll be able to do this and pretend I don’t have a car. This will allow me to feel well superior to all those poor fools trekking round the bypass in their tin sweatboxes.”

Connections to Bedford for Eastside residents will also be much improved, as catching the bus from the Green will shave valuable minutes off the journey. However, local councillor Paul Marcel was not impressed. “Without loads of people walking from Eynesbury into the town centre to get the X5,” he whinged, “there will be a sharp drop in through traffic and every single shop will close down. Especially Greggs, and if I can’t have a chicken bake every day I just might cry.”

St Neots will be split into two sections – the “West Side”, containing the Eatons, and the “East Side”, comprising St Neots and Eynesbury. Each local party will be invited to form a separate council for each side of the town.

Who gets which side will be decided with a best-of-three game of rock, paper, scissors between Larry Tapman (Con) and Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem). It is not known whether the councillors will use actual rocks.

“I think it’s a fucking great idea,” commented St Neots Road resident Ellie Harworth, 52. “For ages now, all we’ve seen is councillors sniping at each other over who wants to shut the bogs, who made a little petition first, and so on. Pathetic.”

Harland Road man Matt Hampton, 44, added “People seem to have forgotten that this is one town. There’s been loads in the local papers recently along the lines of ‘Why should Eynesbury tax payers fund a community centre in Eaton Socon?’ and this will give everyone a chance to only pay for what they use, without having to cross any bridges.”

It is thought that the West Side will come off better, as despite having a lower tax base the East Side will still have to fund all the town centre amenities such as public toilets, the Market Square, and half of the Riverside Park which is being declared a no-man’s – or every-man’s – land. Councillor Tapman said “This is a fucking awful plan; the Lib Dems thought of it,” whilst van der Whitevanman commented “This was all orchestrated by them Tory wankers.”

Council leader Julia Wayward, who may end up leading either council, told the Citizen “I’m glad this has happened. Those boys are driving me crazy.”

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.

The front page of the Town Crier this week carried a story covering Collingwood Road resident Gordon Bennett’s plea for drivers to slow down on Nelson Road, “where a car smashed into a pub less than two weeks ago”.

This surprised many Eaton Socon residents who had always assumed the pub was on the Great North Road. “I knew I were pissed when I left the pub last week,” said Shakespeare Road man Bruce Swaine, “but I don’t remember having to walk from Nelson road! I must’ve had more than I thought.”

Strangely though, the Waggon still appeared to be on the corner of the Great North Road and Shakespeare Road when the Citizen investigated today. An Expert Scientist had this explanation: “It’s a disturbance in the space-time continuum or something,” he said. “The pub looks like it’s on the main road, and when you go there you walk through the doors at that location – and exit there also. It also doesn’t appear to take up any space in Nelson Road – but that is where it in fact is.”

Meanwhile, the article also stated that since the pub accident, “even more cars have been using the road as a rat-run”. The Citizen pointed out that this may be due to the fact that the official diversion was via Nelson Road, but the theory was rubbished by a former local councillor. Pete Gregory, speaking from his Eynesbury home, said, “This is obviously a load of old Gerald Tosh, man. It’s clear that we need seventeen speed bumps and at least three pedestrian crossings on this high-speed Nascar circuit of a road.”

Current councillors were unavailable for comment.

“Well,” said Peter Guinness, a spokesman for Pubmaster, “We noticed a lack of drive-thru’s in St Neots in general and realised that this was a great location! People love a drive-thru, the lazy buggers.”

On Sunday night, Pubmaster arranged for a drunken chav in a Nova to drive into the side of the pub, creating a large hole in the wall of the centuries-old hostelry. Guinness said, “Obviously no-one was going to accept planning permission for this, especially on a listed building, so we had to make it look like an accident. Then we can just get retrospective. Also people weaving across the road to drive into the building will help with traffic calming.”

It is thought the work, which has led to the Great North Road being closed for two days, will be completed by the end of the week, allowing people to order a pint without leaving the comfort of their family saloons and Chelsea tractors. “I for one love it,” said town council leader Derek Miles. “It’ll mean less drink driving actually, as people will just get one pint and drive away with it, rather than having two or three and then thinking it’s a good idea to drive home using just their knees.”

Conservative councillor Paul Marcel initially said the same, but upon hearing Miles’ point of view instantly began to argue. “It’s just like that fat-headed twerp to support an idea like this,” he ranted. “This drive-thru pub is a joke and will just mean that the Friday Night boy-racers will have an extra pit stop on their never-ending laps of the town.”

Friday night boy racer Kevin Wayne disagreed however. “Ain’t gonna spend three quid on a pint in the drive thru when I can get three litres of White Lightening for £1.99 am I?” he slurred. “As for them two councillors – grow up.”

Leading UK architect Ben Shuttleworth said, “We’ve been very blinkered with the design of our commercial and residential property in Great Britain. It wasn’t until a resident of Eynesbury’s Humberley Close wrote to tell us about how their road was simply the best place to live for so many different reasons, that we had to visit.”

A delegation of top City experts was swiftly despatched northwards.

“The result was a no-brainer,” said Shuttleworth. “The stylish way that the properties of the Broadwalk back on to Hardwick Road, enhanced with cars on bricks, England flags, demolished caravans and disused car parks shouted Sixties chic. The low-rise tower blocks of Hall Road, with their simple straight-line design… such unique aesthetic aspirations are hard to find.”

He went on to say, “It’s thanks to such a talented team as the local authority designing such amazing residential properties, followed by world class deisigners such as Ivor Twigden, that this country has such architectural merits – and Eynesbury is honoured to be the hub of such greatness.”

With tourists starting to come thick and fast to see the latest amazing style, house prices have already rocketed, with the average property price in Ferrars Avenue being valued at nearly one Rowley Million, and the residences of Burnt Close receiving offers over £1.4m. It is also rumoured that many celebrities have already secured deposits and that Eynesbury could, as a reult, become the UK’s new footballer and trash-mag-royalty destination, usurping Primrose Hill as “the place to live”.

The announcement was not without it’s downside however. Eaton Socon’s Queens Gardens and Monarch Road areas were mostly developed around the same time as “New” Eynesbury, but have been largely overlooked by Shuttleworth and his associates. “I don’t see what the Eastside’s got that we haven’t,” said Daisy Fields of Crown Walk. “I’ve lived here since I moved up from Bethnal Green in ’72 and it’s clearly nicer than Eynesbury.”

The Citizen reserves judgement.

Story by Sarcamistic

Eaton Socon man Darren Feave, 28, designed SatChav to assist local criminals in escaping when in unfamiliar areas.

“Ya know what it’s like, like,” said Feave. “You’re runnin dahn the road wiv a telly an’ you take a wrong turn through some alleyway or other. Then you find yourself runnin into the arms of the rozzers.”

The Queens Gardens/Monarch Road area of Eaton Ford and the Duck lane area of Eynesbury are well known for their comprehensive, and often confusing, network of alleyways, shortcuts and greens – where the houses face a pedestrianised zone rather than a road. Often there is little or no indication which street a house belongs to.

“I’m awright rahnd Eaton Socon, like, cos I’m Westside born an’ bred,” said Feave. “But a while ago I robbed a satnav out of a car parked in Mallard Road an’ got a bit lost.” Feave spent over three hours running aimlessly around Naseby Gardens and Whitehall Walk, before being arrested.

“I got gripped cos I thought I’d use the satnav to get aht of Eynesbury, like,” said Darren. “But it were shit. It just kept tellin me to make a legal u-turn.” Whilst serving six months for burglary, Feave came up with the idea for SatChav.

“It’s brilliant,” his colleague Wayne Waynes told us. “It has all the alleyways and garden fences and stuff on and uses Google Earth to track the Old Bill. It’ll tell ya if yer better off jumpin’ over the garden wall or hidin in a wheelie bin for a bit. Chavs and hoodies alike will love it.”

Dragons Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne were impressed with Feave’s initiative, but said they could obviously not endorse a product which aides and abbetts housebreaking. Theo Paphitis stated that, this aside, it was clearly a terrible idea as the main use for SatChav “would be to nick other people’s SatChav units”, meaning that sales would be low as people would just steal one, use it to track the rest down and sell them on the market, “probably for a tenner.”

Feave was said to be disappointed, but vowed not to give up even if he had to “rob another post office for funds”.