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Sunday June 16th 2019

Tesco “Still Not Mothership” Says Retailer

Supermarket giant Tesco today hit out at repeated claims that its St Neots store was “some kind of alien mothership”.

Since this story was published in the Citizen six years ago, the chain has been dogged by claims of alien involvement.

“This has simply got to stop,” said spokesman Ian Morrison. “Yes, I am well aware that since the story was published we have opened another store in Eaton Socon as well as taking over One Stop in Eynesbury and Eaton Ford. But these are merely business expansion and are certainly not ‘spawns’.”

“Off the record,” he continued, “if you’re looking for E.T. selling goods in St Neots it wouldn’t hurt to look at Waitrose…”

Eynesbury resident Bob Smethy, 39, claimed to have been abducted by the store in 2002. Since then he has resided at Priory Grange where he is being treated for a number of mental health conditions.

“Is right though,” said Smethy. “They took me aboard and no-one believed me, well, look at me now! They implanted a small piece of plastic on me to track my every move!”

We did point out that Mr Smethy could merely discard what was obviously his Clubcard, but he seemed not to agree.

Local council leader Derek Miles said that the town council would investigate these claims, but that it was “unlikely that any local supermarket is extra-terrestrial.”

The case continues.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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