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Saturday September 23rd 2017

Tesco To Open Super Extra Store?

The Citizen has learned that Tesco is opening a new super extra store in the Eatons, on the site of the current Co-Op which everyone still calls Rainbow.

On plans for the new store, Tesco spokesman Phil Fawcett said, “The car park is a bit to organised, no award winner believe me!” He continued, “however, we shall need to expand both out and up to make this our new main store for St Neots and you never know – another award winning car park.”

When asked about their current Barford Road store and why a new larger location was needed, Fawcett commented that “the recent crime maps have forced our hand. Why would anyone want to visit the Eastside store except those living in Eynesbury? We are re-branding the store with three thick blue stripes, removing it’s extra status and all things worth any value. The space vacated will be filled with Value products and cheap alcohol.”

The company will then sell lots of nice branded products in the new Westside store, for all the lovely residents of the Eatons with out the stuff getting lifted by “Eynesbury’s dirty little paws”.

Wayne Chervis, 17, from Duck Lane commented, “Wot, removing all the leccy bits, how am I to support the loss of my EMA now?”

Eynesbury Manor resident Bertrice Malpracteece was not too shocked. “Well it had to come, I shall enjoy mixing with those Eaton types while shopping.”

Local town and district Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged. “Another blow to the residents of Eynesbury. This can not carry on, I shall go to the district planners  and protest at once!”

Councillor van der Whitevanman may be too late. Another secret HDC meeting may have already approved the plans.  Head of Planning Mr Puti Tupanrun had nothing to say on the matter, instead roaring off in a new Range Rover sport.

A.J Oke

A.J Oke is an Eastsider who actually graduated, from the St Neots Library University with a pass in English and Journalism in 2003.

He is a sociable type who likes to look for a scoop wherever he can find it. A keen follower of all our local celebrities – that’s follower, and definitely not stalker. The restraining order against Mark Faster is purely an administrative error.

His passion is chav spotting, with multiple volumes of St Neotian chavs and a little black book of the easiest Chavettes.

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