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Thursday July 18th 2019

The Lights Go Down

St Neots councillors were left distraught after learning that the now infamous cross-street Christmas lights can no longer be erected over the High Street.

lights03In a surprise move local traders have decided the lights are simply too crap to display. The recent HSE report has been leaked in full to the Citizen with no bits blacked out. It appears that the report said the lights were so crap that it would be dangerous to the future reputation of the town.

Leader of the Council Julia Waywood commented “These lights were so shite and we were so proud of them, any trailer park would be, and it really added to the character of the town.”

Ms Wayward was also concerned that a more tasteful display may have to found, moving away from the usual tacky crap.

Local trader Barry Chuckle said he had spoken to other traders in the town and they all felt that the reputation of the town was too precious to risk a serious injury.

At a Council meeting councillors debated what to do with the lights. One suggestion was to decorate Cllr Terrence Dougall’s house to demonstrate that the lights really are on even if no one is at home. Mr Dougall thinking for himself commented “I would like to demonstrate that a light does come on when you think for yourself.”

It was decided to use the lights to decorate the Priory, “since it is such a crap building the lights should really complement it,” commented Steve van de Whitevanman.

Chas and Dave were also rumoured once again to be switching on the lights this year. Speaking from his luxury villa near Margate Chas Hodges commented “we really felt robbed after the last debacle; we don’t often get a chance to pull the switch on such a great display. Haha.”

Dave was unavailable for comment.

Adam Douglas

Citizenship

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