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Thursday July 18th 2019

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Screen Shot 2013-10-10 at 19.09.48 1Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining that all our local independent restaurants have closed.

It is almost certain that once three soulless chain eateries open with the new still-don’t-think-it’s-real cinema, residents will be drawn to their menus of authentic, hand-made microwave ready-meal cuisine.

“There’s a saturation point for places to fill your face in St Neots,” said local commentator and mathematician Ray Keymsta, “and that saturation point is 19.5.”

A quick mental roundup by your Citizen Editor reveals over twenty establishments that will take some of your lovely money and provide you with food that doesn’t come from a bag or box, a surprising number of which are not owned by Whitbread or Wetherspoons. “Really,” said Keymsta, “St Neots has done quite well at the restaurant game. Shame all that’s soon to change”.

Recent openings have included Bodrum Restaurant on Cambridge Street and New Street’s Surma Tandoori.

The main catalyst for closure will be laziness, as the majority of cinema-goers will no doubt be far too lazy to wander townwards for a decent dinner and will instead opt for something laughably known as “Mama Roasario’s Lamb Shank” – a product which comes in a bag full of preservatives so potent it can be ambient-stored for up to a year.

“Mark my words,” said High Street pedestrian Greg Woods, 26, “within six weeks of all these places going under everyone will be whinging about it whilst scarfing down a Merrychef’d carbonara.”

This reporter remains amazed that many of these temples of food remain afloat after that USA burger place that also did sunday roast for a fiver they once had in the Kings Head closed down.

Ken Faulstitch

Ken Faulstitch was born in New Jersey in 1921 and is still not dead. He remains a 31-year-old local news hack, is only available in black and white, and it still not sure whether this new-fangled internet thing will take off.


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