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Monday August 19th 2019

UK Shocked By Horse Burgers

smiling horseConversation across the country briefly turned from how shocking this completely expected seasonal weather is to the contents of beefburgers sold by at least two supermarkets.

Tests by the FSAI in Ireland found that fattie-biscuits sold by Tesco and Iceland contained “up to a third” horse meat.

“I was nearly sick,” said local horse-lover Ellie Spundrucken, 19, of Hail Weston. “Imagine, you’re eating what you assume is a stupid cow – with maybe a bit of chicken thrown in – and suddenly it’s horse! URGH!” Vegetable marketer Hayley Berol, 25, of Cambourne, agreed. “Eating horse is ming,” she ranted. “Just switch to free-range Quorn and you will be happier not eating something with a usable face.”

Indeed, outrage has been widespread. The problem, says local nutritionist Hugh Midity, is that horses are seen as companion animals, rather than dinner. “I don’t really know why this is the case,” Midity told the Citizen, “as people are perfectly happy eating porks, beefs and muttons, as I understand those animals to be called.”

The main issue appears to be the fact that there is no other name for horse meat, apart from horse meat. Attempts in the seventies to call it caballo failed once someone with a Spanish dictionary realised it was a simple translation. Market research involving the words pferd, cheval and konj similarly fell flat on their nosebags.

“I really don’t see the issue,” said Horse Marketing Board spokesman Len Kong, speaking exclusively to the Citizen. “Horses were once hunted like any other big game. The meat is delicious and nutritious, and the only reason you don’t like the idea of it is because of silly posh girls riding their ponies through the McDonalds drive-thru to get a burger. Which probably had horse in it anyway.

“Besides that, no-one has ever complained about the hamster-bacon or cat sausage.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.


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