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Saturday June 24th 2017

Under Town Heating To Get Go-Ahead?

steamventSt Neots could be the first town to benefit from a new type of snow and ice removal system if plans are approved by county councillors.

Despite being in a sheltered area and receiving an extremely low annual snowfall, Neotians are often upset when their routines are disrupted for hours at a time due to wintry precipitation.

“It’s ridiculous,” said local retail manager Kenneth Matashito, 40, who lives in Jutland Rise and walks to work in the town centre each day. “Once or twice a year, the pavements on the Battles estate are a bit icy, and I almost slip whilst strolling down the small incline we like to call a hill. They really must do something about it.”

Taking inspiration from the heating she recently had installed in her own bathroom, Lauren Cumbria, a 24-year-old product development manager who knows someone who knows someone else who works at the council, submitted ambitious plans for a final solution to the town’s yearly woes. “I got out of the shower the other day,” says Cumbria, “and my feet were all toasty, and I thought we could do with some of this outside! So I drew a very detailed plan on a Subway napkin I found on the floor of the car, and submitted it.”

The town council, says Cumbria, wrote back almost immediately via fax. “Once I actually found somewhere to buy a fax machine, I was astonished to receive a note from the council offering me £12.46 for the rights to my design. I snapped that up, and bought six £1.99 cheeseboards from Wetherspoons, and put on a stone!”

The undertown heating will be powered using the heat that may or may not be generated by trees during the photosynthesis process, and controlled via a master thermostat in the alleyway down the side of Clarks. “I’m fairly sure trees generate heat somehow,” said Cumbria, “although apparently they grow too slowly to produce friction, which was my first plan for powering the system.”

It is thought that the heating will be installed over the course of a weekend, during which every resident will be asked to wait in Bedford, thereby reducing the weight of PE19 enough to lift it a few inches from the ground, and slide the pipes in. Tile retailer Du Bell Dunkarne stroked his beard thoughtfully, and said “I don’t see any problems with that.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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