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Saturday September 23rd 2017

Urban Shortcutter Comes A Cropper

© Cambridge Newspapers LtdA Cambridge driver has come unstuck by driving his enormous Jaguar onto a cycle bridge.

The “unobservant” driver was able to access the decrepit footbridge between Rustat Road and Devonshire Road after mysterious vandals pinched a wooden bollard.

Eyewitnesses said it took twenty minutes for him to back down. Tracy Teacup, 23, said, “I was walking over the bridge, as I do five or six times a day, just for fun, and I saw this Jag coming towards me. I tried to signal that he was clearly lost, but he just smiled and waved as he passed. He probably thought he knew me from somewhere or something.”

Further investigation suggested that the unnamed driver was the latest victim of cruel Urban Shortcut competitors sabotaging key shortcut routes. Urban Shortcutters attempt to drive unsuitable vehicles around towns and cities, saving as much time as possible against using permitted routes. This often includes driving on payments, railways, and indeed rivers. Participants share new routes they have discovered via a secret website, which can only be accessed by going to Amazon.co.uk and finding the 12th review of the 17th Police Academy movie.

The craze has spread far and wide, with examples being spotted as far away as China.

Recently, however, a worrying trend has developed whereby ultra-competitive shortcutters post routes that cannot realistically be followed. Shortcutters Anonymous webmaster “AsTheCrowFlies” said, “It disgusts me, the way these noobs are taking a proud and noble sport, and ruining it for everyone else. Just last week, someone posted a shortcut from the Pig’n'Falcon to the Weeping Ash. I tried to check it out in my ridiculously big Hummer, and it turns out it’s a vertical wall. Bastards.”

Cambridge man David Statement, however, suggests that this is hokum. “What actually happened,” Statement postulated yesterday, “is that this guy thought ‘I’ve got a Jag I can drive wherever the fuck I want’. They really are the new Audi drivers.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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