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Wednesday April 23rd 2014

Whole Town Surprised By Cold White Stuff

© St Neots Citizen 2013St Neots woke up to a half-hearted blanket of snow this morning, and collectively gasped at the spectacle.

Despite a week of weather forecasts promising it would “definitely snow on Sunday night”, not one of the towns 27,000 residents was prepared for the weather.

“I knew it had snowed before I got up,” said Kimberley Dynamite, 29, of Cambridge Street, “as I looked at Facebook and a good 92% of statuses were announcing the arrival of the precipitation in question.

“I was glad of this, as if I did not have a window of my own, I would have been caught out there! Who’d've thought it was actually going to snow?”

Met Office stalwart Michael Shark said, “I told you. I warned you. All last week I said there would be snow. Did you listen? Did you fuck.”

Standing in Costa Coffee this morning, real man Darren Kanye East, 34, complained that he was running a good seven to ten minutes late due to the seasonal flurry. “I ‘ad a good inch an’ a arf on the motah this mornin’! Oooh ya caahnt!”

It was not only Neotians who were caught out by the entirely expected blizzard. The Citizen’s Cambridge offices were devoid of life this morning, as people who live three miles away had failed to travel in, on account of being unable to cycle. “I just don’t know how to get around,” said Leonora Fenton-Fenton, of Trumpington, “if I can’t cycle. They haven’t gritted ANY of the fields around here. Disgusting.”

Ken Faulstitch

Ken Faulstitch was born in New Jersey in 1921 and is still not dead. He remains a 31-year-old local news hack, is only available in black and white, and it still not sure whether this new-fangled internet thing will take off.

Citizenship

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