Your Premier Local News Resource
Thursday October 19th 2017

Work Begins On Chav Superhighway

An existing bridge across the same river in a different townPreliminary work began this week on the long-awaited foot and cycle bridge between Eynesbury and Eaton Socon, dubbed the “Chav Superhighway”.

Residents of the Shakespeare Road area were said to be worried about the high through traffic the bridge, which terminates in the street, will bring. “At the moment,” said resident Roy Argus, 44, “if you wish to travel from the East to the West side, you must go via the wier. All the paths are under water at the moment, and as we know, grotty Eastside chavs are allergic to water.”

Indeed, with the pathways from the Pocket Park to the River Mill flooded at various times through the year, underage drinkers from the town’s oldest quarter must pass through the town centre to reach the more salubrious Eatons, where they are usually distracted by the delights of Carey’s Amusements and the new chicken shop on the High Street.

The new bridge, however, which is being funded through a mixture of tax revenue and a Lottery grant, will allow direct access all year from Barford Road, without having to leave a paved surface once. “It’s gonna be wicked,” slurred gurning Broadwalk teen Sonia Sonie, 15. “I don’t ever wanna walk through the back fields innit cos I get me kicks all muddy an ting. The bridge will let me get to Eaton Socon proper quick and then I can get on that mighty X5 to escape to Bedford – after setting fire to the bus stop.”

The Burerry-and-Kappa brigade are, however, not the only group who will benefit from the new bridge. “Sometimes,” said Drake Road woman Lydia Gains, 33, “I’m in Tesco Express and think, hey, I wish I could cycle over to big Tesco and come back looking all smug with twelve or so bags on my handlebars. Now I’ll be able to do this and pretend I don’t have a car. This will allow me to feel well superior to all those poor fools trekking round the bypass in their tin sweatboxes.”

Connections to Bedford for Eastside residents will also be much improved, as catching the bus from the Green will shave valuable minutes off the journey. However, local councillor Paul Marcel was not impressed. “Without loads of people walking from Eynesbury into the town centre to get the X5,” he whinged, “there will be a sharp drop in through traffic and every single shop will close down. Especially Greggs, and if I can’t have a chicken bake every day I just might cry.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

    One Comment for “Work Begins On Chav Superhighway”

    • Paul Redman says:

      love this puts it all in to prosective. I live off Shakespeare Road, can’t see it being to much of a problem. In fact it will help all those going to the schools on that side of town .


    Leave a Comment

    More like this

    Town Gears Up For New Complaint
    Town Gears Up For New Complaint

    Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi
    Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

    District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed
    Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

    Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup
    Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

    Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

    New School Thief-Proof
    New School Thief-Proof

    South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

    Microfiche

    Subscribe