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Thursday July 18th 2019

Young Dole Scroungers Demand Equality

Local unemployed teenagers have attacked the benefit system for paying more to their older counterparts.

Under the current Job Seeker’s Allowance scheme, which is intended to help people look for work but is normally used as an excuse to do just the opposite, under-25′s are paid around £20 a week less than those with the good fortune to be born in the eighties or before.

“It’s a fucking outrage,” ranted Colin McWilson, of Knaresborough Court, who is almost twenty and has never had a job. “My outgoings are just as high as my older friends but they get more – around £38 every fortnight, which is a good few cans of Supertennants!”

Indeed, the cost of living for workshy dole-queue scum has increased well beyond inflation in recent years. Professor of Economics at Cambridge University’s Judge Business School, Charles Howitt-Lowry, explained, “Alcohol duty has gone up, which is a massive cost for the unemployed who generally drink twenty or so cans a day. It’s a big increase to cover compared to those of us with jobs who only consume fourteen units a week. Also, the price of games consoles and LCD TV’s, whilst falling, is still a lot higher than the price of equivalent items ten years ago, when all they needed to afford was a SNES and a twenty-eight inch Alba. And don’t even get me started on rolling tobacco and Rizlas.”

Local dealers were also slated for profiteering from the desperation of under 25′s. “Teenagers are so inept at growing their own weed these days. Those without an older sibling to teach them proper plant care must instead shell out up to £25 an eighth – that’s £50 a day to alleviate the boredom which hits after Jeremy Kyle finishes.”

Claims that these tax-dodgers should seek employment were fast refuted by Kieron Daily, 19, who we encountered signing on at Huntingdon Job Centre. “Obviously, there are jobs out there, but I’m fucked if I’m working in some office for eight hours a day,” said Daily, who lives in the town’s Oxmoor estate. “That ain’t a man’s job is it, and how am I supposed to consume enormous quantities of ketamine if I’m being watched by some conformist, tie-wearing middle manager?”

The Department for Work and Pensions said it would review the JSA paid to the young so-called jobseekers. “Obviously,” said a member of staff, “we’re not in full possession of the facts. I doubt anyone here knows the true price of a gram of MDMA, and whilst we want to keep the unemployed on the poverty line, it’s probably best not to push them below it.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.


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